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A serious worry many people have is: if we--men and women--
overcome our sexual inhibitions, will we go wild? Parents and religions
have worried about this forever. If we get comfortable with sex, i.e.
able to openly discuss it, approach and touch others, initiate sex,
masturbate ourselves and our lover freely, enjoy mouth-genital and
many other activities, and so on, will we become more promiscuous or
unfaithful to our lover? Maybe but I don't think so. In the grand
scheme of things, sex outside a love relationship isn't very important.
Our sexual drive doesn't overpower us. Many people have had a wild
sex life and then became totally faithful to a spouse or lover. Besides,
in fantasy, a wild sex life may sound very exciting, but research shows
that faithful married couples have the most emotionally and physically
satisfying sex (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael & Michaels, 1994). Most of
us aren't faithful because our inhibitions prohibit sex with someone
else other than our partner. We are faithful because it is the
considerate, satisfying thing to do. However, in a totally sexually free
society, where a spouse wouldn't mind if his/her partner had sex with
someone else (presumably sex would no longer mean "I love you"),
we don't honestly know what the marital or societal consequences
would be. Separating sex from love and intimacy, as in the centerfold
syndrome, may be impossible for many of us. Such a separation may
also diminish the meaning of both sex and love, a high price to pay. At
least, in the current culture in contrast with the 1960's, a free love
movement seems unlikely soon. Considering the difficulties we are
having staying married already, I suspect most marriages would not
withstand the temptations of free love. Time may tell. In the
meantime, each of us has to make our own decisions. In a later
section of this chapter, we will consider the pros and cons for different
sexual alternatives.
Acceptance of our bodies, sex play, fantasy, etc.
Although a majority of young people have accepted premarital sex,
we still have difficulty accepting the sexual parts of our body. Partly
because these parts are associated the "going to the bathroom," our
penises and vulvas are considered "dirty." As we have discussed, when
young, we are scolded for touching or showing our sexual parts. We
don't talk about these parts, not even if we are worried that they are
abnormal (e.g. if our penis seems too short or if one breast is smaller
than the other) or not working properly. We see pictures of super-sexy
women and men that we know we can never match; we feel
inadequate and wish we were different. We all learn "dirty" words for
our sexual parts and acts that we can never use publicly. We hear
hostile, disdainful, crude expressions, such as "screw you" or "f___
you!" We insult people by using "dirty words," such as "dick head,"
"prick," "cunt," "asshole," etc. Besides, women have "the curse." Is it
any wonder that we think our sexual parts are dirty?
One of the first things we are taught is "Where is your nose?",
"What is this (ear)?", etc. but even as adults we still don't know where
