Chapter 2: Steps in Self-Help

Step 4: Set realistic short and long-term goals

Step 5: Select the self-help methods that seem most likely to work, i.e.

develop a "treatment plan."

Table 2.3: Analysis of Problem into Parts and Possible Solutions

Step 6: Learn the detailed steps involved in each self-help method you

are using (chapters 11-15) and try out your plan.

Step 7: Continue throughout the project to assess and plot your

progress

Step 8: If needed, revise your plan -- deal with your resistance to

change. Keep up your motivation. Find a therapist.

Step 9: Plan ways of maintaining the gains made.

Step 10: Make a note of each method's effectiveness: what works

for you?

Don't fret. Some of the steps can be done quickly or even omitted.

Chapter 2: Steps in Self-Help

Steps in Self-Help

Reader: Step 3 is especially important.

Step 1: Select self-improvement projects, no more than 2 or 3 at a time

Table 2.1: Problem Check List

Table 2.2: How to Move from Avoidance to Contemplation to

Commitment

Step 2: Start collecting and recording data reflecting the severity or

frequency of the problem

How to Use This Book to Help Change Yourself:

Steps in Self-Help

Overview

The steps in carrying out a self-help project are described in this

chapter. However, before trying to change we must realize that a

specific change is needed and we must believe change is possible. The

first step below, selecting a self-help project, gives you several

suggestions for overcoming your reluctance to try to change. The key

is to think about the problem--don't avoid it--by reading about it,

talking to others about it, and thinking how life would honestly be

better without the problem.

After deciding to improve in some specific way, then obviously you

need to understand your problem, overcome your fears of changing

and failing to change, and start to figure out exactly how you can

make the changes you want. This entire book helps you do those

things. Self-help takes a lot of knowledge, it isn't just a simple matter

of having the "will power" to do something, although you must be

motivated to get the knowledge and skills you need to change.

Recent research says we go through six "stages" when we change:

precontemplation (we aren't thinking about changing yet),

contemplation (starting to think about changing), preparation

(planning to change), action (using self-help methods to change),

maintenance (of our gains), and termination of the project (Prochaska,

Norcross & DiClemente, 1994). This is potentially useful research, not

so much in terms of naming the rather obvious stages in changing, but

rather in terms of discovering how to motivate ourselves from one

stage to another. A lot of people deny the need to make changes, even

more want to change but can't get started. We must stay motivated.

Prochaska, Norcross & DiClemente's suggestions for moving ourselves

from one stage to another are summarized below but these techniques

have not been well researched. Science needs to study self-motivation

much more.

A valuable aspect of the following 10 steps is a simple system for

analyzing your problem into five parts, which, in turn, will help you

develop a comprehensive plan for changing yourself. This system,

described in step 3, will help you understand any problem situation.

Every problem has five parts or levels: (1) the behavior involved, (2)

the emotions experienced, (3) the skills you may need, (4) the

mental processes involved (thoughts or self-talk, motivations, self-

concept, values, and expectations), and (5) the unconscious forces

that may contribute to your troubles. An old adage says, "a problem

well stated is half solved." When a problem is carefully analyzed into

these 5 parts, you can more easily see how most treatment or self-

help methods available today could be applied to this problem (see

step 5).

This same 5-part system of analysis is also used in chapters 3 to

10 to help you understand how specific problems may have developed,

are maintained, and could be changed. Then, chapters 11 to 15

describe in a simple cookbook manner how you can apply many

different self-help procedures to each of the five parts of your

problem. Chapter 11 deals with the behavioral part or level 1, chapter

12 with the emotions--part 2, chapter 13 with skills--part 3, chapter

14 with thoughts--part 4, and chapter 15 with unconscious factors--

part 5.

Please note: As mentioned in chapter 1, you may use this book like

a standard text, reading every word chapter by chapter, but when you

are actually trying to self-improve, use it like a reference book,

searching out the information you need at the moment by skimming

the chapters' titles and sub-titles. Every chapter starts with a detailed

index. This look-for-what-you-need-to-know process is not simple, not

if you study the causes and possible methods for "treating" each of the

five parts of every problem. Learning self-control is not easy, if it

were, humans would have mastered it 35,000 years ago. Don't let the

complexity of your problems or of this book scare you, though; plunge

in.

Another caution: making important changes in our lives is not a

smooth, linear process; there are poor plans, methods that don't work,

times when we lose motivation and forget our projects, relapses, etc.

Most self-help projects require several tries, perhaps 80% to 95% of

us have at least one setback as we undertake a self-improvement

project, especially if we are not well read and informed, but the

successful self-helper doesn't give up. He/she goes back to earlier

steps or stages and reads more, asking why am I not more motivated,

what methods will work better, is there another unseen problem

involved, do I need to give more attention to maintaining my gains,

etc.? It is far better to try and fail (this time) than never to have tried

to change at all (guaranteeing permanent failure). When you have

trouble changing, there are a lot of helpful people, books, videos,

professionals, and groups that would be glad to help. I try to point you

towards several sources of help.

Summary of Steps in Self-help

Once you have decided to make some specific self-improvement,

there are ten desirable steps in a difficult self-help project; however,

not every step must be compulsively carried out every time you try to

change something about yourself. Sometimes, you can omit measuring

your progress or analyzing the problem into parts or setting goals or

some other steps. This is because sometimes, the desired change is

very easy to make, as though it is just waiting for an excuse to

change. Most of the time, however, it is hard to change, forcing you to

pay attention to all ten steps. At least, you should know how to carry

out all of the possible steps, in case they are needed:

Step 1: Select self-improvement projects, no more than 2 or 3 at a

time.

____ see problem checklist in this chapter (Table 2.1).

____ if you aren't sure you want to change or keep postponing

making changes (see Table 2.2).

____ ask yourself: could this problem be physically caused? If

so, see a physician.

____ if you have a very serious problem, such as suicidal

thoughts or difficulty thinking well enough to make any plans,

please seek professional help (see the warnings below).

Step 2: Start collecting and recording data reflecting the severity

or frequency of the problem.

____ estimate and record frequency for 1 to 2 weeks prior to

starting a daily record.

____ record information each day that will indicate changes

you are making.

____ keep a diary of your thoughts and feelings as well as

actions.

Step 3: Try to understand the problem, how it developed, its

original causes, and what causes it to continue.

____ analyze your problem into five parts. Use Tables 2.1 and

2.3 (in step 5). Look for the origin and influence of each part.

____ what causes your problem? the history? under what

conditions does the problem occur? Any payoffs?

____ see chapters 3-10 and other readings for frequent causes

and explanations.

____ biology and environment as causes. Motivation to

change: do you understand why you want to change? or why

you are reluctant to change? What seem to be the barriers to

changing?

Step 4: Set realistic goals.

____ be specific: exactly what behavior, emotions, skills,

attitudes, or awareness do you want to change? What do you

want to eliminate? What to increase?

____ change in small easy steps if rapid or radical change

("cold turkey") is impossible.

____ summary of goals--outcome, time, method. Are these

goals important, fair, and in keeping with your values and long-

range aspirations? (see chapter 3).

Step 5: Select the self-help methods that seem most likely to work,

i.e. develop a treatment plan."

____ consider each of the five parts of the problem:

considering causes and goals, which parts seem to be the most

likely to produce the changes you want to make?

____ refer to Tables 2.1 and 2.3, and chapters 3-10 for self-

help ideas. Sample self-help plans. Read "general idea" and

"purpose" of the methods in chapters 11 to 15 to see which

ones seem most likely to work for you.

____ use doable self-change methods directed at several

"parts" simultaneously or in sequence. But avoid overly

complex plans that overload your computer or your schedule.

Step 6: Learn the detailed steps involved in each self-help method

you are using (chapters 11-15) and try out your plan.

____ give the selected self-help methods a fair trial (daily for

two weeks or more).

____ your motivation is crucial; keep it high (see chapters 4

and 14).

____ take precautions in advance if any strong emotions or

possible dangers are involved (see chapters 11-15).

Step 7: Continue throughout the project to assess and plot your

progress.

____ use self-observation for assessment, change, and

reward. Get other people's opinions.

____ continue systematic self-observation for a few weeks

after reaching your goals.

Step 8: If needed, revise plan as needed--deal with your resistance

to change. Keep up your motivation.

____ change your tactics, if selected self-help methods are not

working. Perhaps other "parts" are more involved than you

realized.

____ change your approach, if you lose your motivation to

change. Perhaps the change isn't as important as you thought.

Is the old behavior meeting some unhealthy need?

____ seek professional help if your problems are very serious,

become worse, or do not respond to self-help.

Step 9: Plan ways of maintaining the gains made.

____ use partial and natural reinforcement of the new desired

behavior so it becomes intrinsically satisfying. Make it a habit.

____ may need to repeat treatment occasionally, e.g. start

exercising and dieting again as soon as you gain 2 pounds.

Step 10: Make a note of the method's effectiveness: what works for

you?

____ critically evaluate the quality of your "research." What

else happened besides your treatment that might have changed

the problem situation?

____ jot down ideas about future uses of this method or

improved procedures; share with others.

____ what and/or who were your greatest sources of help?

____ build your confidence in your ability to self-help.

____ go to step 1, and begin another self-improvement.

Step 1:

Select Self-Improvement Projects

Select 2 or 3 self-help projects

For most of us, there is and always will be "plenty of room for self

improvement." Looking over the problem check list (Table 2.1) may

suggest a number of improvements you would like to make. In

general, though, how do you know that you have a problem? Answer:

in many ways, e.g. someone might say you do. You might take a test.

You might simply recognize you are different from others, e.g. you

take twice as long to do something as others do. You may have

feelings you don't like, such as tension, anger, fear, boredom, etc. You

may just wonder if you are "messed up" or being unreasonable. You

may have goals you don't know how to reach. There are obviously lots

of ways of concluding there is a problem. It might be wise to talk with

others about how unusual or extreme your problem actually is. But

make sure you are changing because you want to, not just because

you want to conform to, to please, or to obey others.

Sometimes we are so busy playing or rebelling or just surviving,

we haven't thought seriously about what we want. Reality therapists

ask a good question for self-helpers: "Is what you are doing now really

going to get you where you want to go in life?" If not, then they ask:

"What do you need to start doing to get whatever you want out of

life?"

After reviewing these possible self-improvements, remember:

select only 2 or 3 self-help projects to work on at any one time.

Probably one reason self-help methods are effective is because the

self-helper singles out the problem, thinks carefully about possible

solutions, makes specific concerted efforts to change every day, and

records his/her progress. If you take on too many projects at one

time, you dilute this concentrated attack.

What to do if you can't seem to get started on a self-

improvement project

A body of research shows that there are a series of stages in

changing. The best summary is Prochaska, DiClemente, & Norcross

(1992) or Prochaska, Norcross & DiClemente (1994). In the first stage,

I'll call it "avoidance," we just don't think about the problem, even

though it is perfectly clear to others. Or, we may briefly wish to

change but have no serious intentions or plans for changing. Often, we

blame others for the problem and resist change or believe we can't do

anything about it. We must move to the next stage, call it

"contemplation," before we can begin to change. In this stage we

become more aware of the problem and we think about changing, but

we haven't definitely decided to do something about it yet. We may

wonder if change is worth the effort; we should weigh the pros and

cons of changing. Many people remain in this stage for a long time

(smokers for an average of two years). To actually change, however,

we must move to the next two stages of commitment, called

"planning" and "action." When we make explicit plans, we have

decided to take action soon. We may have already tried to change and

want to try again. Ideally, we will not obsess too long with

understanding the problem and developing a perfect treatment plan; it

is important to actually start changing. In the "action" stage we stick

with an effective plan until we reach our goals. The last stages are

"maintenance," in which after making gains we do whatever is

necessary to avoid relapse, and "termination."

When you realize that many decisions lie between the having-a-

problem-but-not- admitting-it-stage and the I'm-going-to-change-

myself-with-these-methods-stage, you begin to understand the

extensive knowledge needed for self-control. You need to know the

steps in change and the barriers to change; you also need to master

many useful self-help methods, which include self-motivational

techniques. Consider the massive numbers of us that can't get started

changing. For instance, among smokers, it is estimated that only

about 10% are ready to take action, 35% are in "contemplation," and

55% are in "avoidance." That accounts for 70% of smokers saying

they would like to join a stop smoking program but only 3-5% actually

signing up and taking action. The "no shows" had not prepared

themselves for action yet. Just look around you, notice how many

people are overweight and out of shape. Students want to study but

don't get it done. They don't want to be that way; they just can't get

themselves to the DO SOMETHING stage. You must honestly ask

yourself if that isn't your problem too. Do you know some problem

exists, but you just haven't decided to attack the problem directly and

forcefully yet?

If so, then your first job is to get motivated and overcome your

fears of changing. You need to decide for sure that a particular

problem must be faced and conquered. You need to realize you may

lose certain pleasures when you give up a bad habit. You may need to

"psych yourself up." You may need encouragement. You certainly need

to accentuate the positive reasons for changing. There is evidence that

impulsive action on a self-help plan is likely to fail (1) if you do not

have acute awareness of the probable benefits and losses, (2) if you

try to change without an hopeful, exciting plan (including some faith in

your ability to change), and (3) if you start without determination and

a commitment to fully solving the problem. So, what can you do if you

can't get started changing?

First, there may be a variety of barriers to change that need to be

removed. For instance, many different kinds of fears stop us cold.

Dennis O’Grady (1994) in How to Overcome the Fears of Changing

mentions several: fears of the unknown (if you change) and of facing a

new situation, fears of failure and of looking foolish, fears of

commitment and of not wanting the changes you get, fears of

disapproval and of criticism of what you become, and fears of success,

increased responsibilities, and people thinking you are selfish or stuck-

up. The book underscores that fears, such as self-doubts and self-

criticism, like “I’ll fail,” kill the will to change. Likewise, a constant

stream of mental “shoulds,” like “I should be doing better,” often

disrupts rather than strengthens our efforts to improve. Dr. O’Grady

recommends countering your fears of changing by thinking positively

about the possible outcome and by increasing your self-esteem and

confidence in your ability to self-direct. His and other “think positive”

books/articles could help some people but when does it work?

Current wisdom says we get to action by learning more about the

problem and about ourselves (e.g. how the bad habit harms us and

how we profit from or need the problem, e.g. smoking helps us relax).

Also, significant others may powerfully confront us about our problem:

the kids say they want us to stop smoking and live longer or our lover

hints that our rolls of fat are not real sexy. Serious thinking on our

own about what kind of person we would like to be may also help us

get to action, especially if self-discipline and personal growth are

valued traits. Many people are inspired to try to change by talking to

others, either others who have changed themselves or others who will

listen and understand our gnawing self-dissatisfaction and desire to be

better. These are just common sense ideas. The remaining limited

"wisdom" we have now about getting ourselves ready to truly change

is in Table 2.2. Surely we will soon learn more specifics about these

crucial self-help steps (see Klar, Fisher, Chinsky, and Nadler [1992] for

a more academic discussion of the intention to seek self-change).

As mentioned before, you need to keep in mind: (1) we often need

to make several attempts to change before we are successful. Either

we try and fail (e.g. the smoker who says, "Quitting is easy! I've done

it thousands of times!") or we work on only one part of the solution at

a time, going through the stages with each successful self-help

project. So, expect some difficulties. Indeed, a previous failure may

have prepared you to succeed the next time. (2) Since we can

effectively work on only a couple of problems at a time, and since

most of us have many, many self-improvements we would like to

make, it is only necessary to get "psyched up" about a couple of self-

help projects at a time. Putting many projects "on the back burner" is

okay, as long as you are working hard on your one or two really

important current self-help projects.

Guard against misdiagnosis

WARNING: None of us is qualified to diagnose ourselves. A major

concern is what if we misdiagnose our own problem. What if our

headache is caused by a tumor instead of stress at work? What if our

anxiety is caused by hyperthyroidism or hypoglycemia instead of

feelings of inadequacy? What if our poor interpersonal relationships

are caused by schizophrenia instead of shyness? What if our "highs"

and irresponsible spending are the result of a mild manic-depressive

disorder instead of simple "impulsiveness?" What if our depression is

caused by PMS instead of our marriage? What if our marital problems

are caused by unconscious childhood experiences instead of poor

communication skills? What if our fear of knives is caused by an

unconscious urge to kill ourselves instead of merely being a fear

reaction to knives?

We are dealing with very complex matters. Even the experts

disagree and don't know much about the causes of many disorders.

Therefore, it is absolutely essential that every self-diagnostician get a

second opinion, especially when there are significant risks involved. If

there is any threat to life, if you might have a serious emotional-

mental disorder (this is hard to know), if you have a chemical

dependency, if the problems could be caused or treated with physical-

chemical means, or if you have tried for some time to make changes

and failed, please seek professional help right away. As mentioned in

Understandings 11 and 12, always get help making a diagnosis and

treating a serious problem. See a physician and/or a psychologist.

On the other hand, it is obvious that many of the problems listed in

Table 2.1 are psychological, requiring new habits, new skills or

different ways of thinking, not surgery or drugs or therapy for a

psychosis. It is also obvious that some of these problems may have

existed for a long time without serious consequences; therefore, it

may be quite reasonable, in these less serious areas, to try initially to

change yourself without first seeking professional help. If you can

change yourself without professional help, wonderful! If you can't, get

help!

See the problem as a challenge and an opportunity

In spite of the warning just given, the evidence is clear (D'zurilla, 1986) that

optimism is important. No one is going to be a self-helper unless he/she

believes (1) the problem is solvable and (2) he/she is capable of solving it. If

you believe you can change things, you will work on the problem sooner,

harder, and longer. Where does this self-confidence come from? Largely from

trying to change things and having some success (see chapter 14--helpful

attitudes). It has been said, "Improving is catching! 50% of people who stop

drinking also stop smoking." So, select something you can change and really

want to change--and let's get on with it.

Selecting Self-Improvement Projects,

Part 2

Table 2.1: Problem Check List

Place a check mark in front of every goal or problem you would like

to work on. Then go back and decide on what to work on first.

Recommended readings in this book are given in parentheses.

I. I want to change my overt behaviors or my thoughts, such

as:

____ stop a bad habit--smoking, drinking, drugs, over-eating,

swearing (Chapters 4, 11) and try to deal with underlying

feelings

____ overcome behavior problems--lying, stealing, deceiving,

laziness (Chapters 3, 4, 11, 12) and look for underlying feelings

____ study or work more, have more self-control and less

procrastination (Chapters 3, 4 and 11)

____ be more caring, giving, affectionate (Chapters 3, 4, 9,

11) and look for interfering feelings

____ be more or less socially outgoing (Chapters 4, 11, 13 and

14)

____ improve a friendship or an intimate or love relationship

(Chapters 9, 10 and 11)

____ reduce excessive worries or obsessions or jealousies

(Chapters 4, 5, 7, 8, 10, 11 and 12)

II. I want to change my conscious emotions, specifically:

____ afraid I'll hurt myself or someone else or have a nervous

breakdown (go get professional help right away)

____ anxious, fearful, tense, shy, up tight, poor sleep

(Chapters 5, 12 , 13 and 14)

____ overwhelmed, confused, bewildered, lost (Chapters 3, 5,

9 and 12, and this may be a problem that needs professional

help)

____ depression, loneliness, sadness, guilt, feeling a failure

(Chapters 6, 12 and 14)

____ resentment, anger, distrust, feeling betrayed, wanting to

hurt someone (Chapters 7, 9, 10, 12 and 14)

____ unexplained changes in mood, mood swings of highs and

lows (Chapters 6 and 12)

____ physical complaints, aches and pains, tiredness, poor

appetite (Chapters 5, 6 and 12)

____ don't give a damn, apathy, feeling that nothing matters

(Chapters 3, 4, 11 and 14)

____ overly eager to please, an unquestioning and obedient

follower (Chapters 8, 13 and 14)

III. I want to gain certain skills so I can handle problems

better:

____ be a good listener, empathic, able to disclose my true

self (Chapters 9 and 13)

____ stand up for my rights, refuse to be taken advantage of

(Chapters 8, 13 and 14)

____ make good decisions, avoid impulsive or uninformed

choices (Chapters 4, 11, 13 and 14)

____ how to meet people, social and dating skills (Chapters 9,

13 and 14)

____ study or test-taking skills, how to concentrate better

(Chapter 13)

____ time management, scheduling, reducing procrastination

(Chapters 3, 4, 11 and 13) and work on underlying needs

____ leadership and persuasion skills. (Chapter 13)

____ parenting skills and relating to children better (Chapters

4, 9 and 11)

____ handling money, budgeting, controlling impulsive buying

(Chapters 4, 11 and 13) and figure out underlying emotions

____ choosing a career, planning out my life, making

educational plans (Chapter 3 and 13)

IV. I want to change the way I think, more specifically:

____ become more hopeful or optimistic, less negative view of

the world (Chapters 6 and 14)

____ be more tolerant of others or myself, more accepting of

what is (Chapters 7, 9 and 14)

____ be more willing to try something different, more brave,

adventurous (Chapters 4, 8, 11, 13 and 14)

____ reduce my own attitudes or expectations or views that

upset me (Chapters 6, 9 and 14)

____ learn to think straight and logically, stop deceiving

myself (Chapter 14)

____ learn positive mental attitudes, self-suggestions, self-

hypnosis (Chapter 14)

____ take more responsibility for my problems, their solution

& my life (Chapters 3, 8 and 14)

____ develop a philosophy of life and learn how to live by it

(Chapters 3, 4, 11 and 14)

____ increase my motivation, overcome my reluctance to

change & work hard (Chapters 3, 4, 11 and 14)

V. I want to understand what makes me tick, why I do the

things I do, the unconscious motives and dynamics within me:

____ uncover and understand the past experiences that still

bother me (Chapters 9, 14 and 15)

____ become more aware of my self-deceptions and defense

mechanisms (Chapters 5, 9, 14 and 15)

____ recognize the "games" being played by me and by others

(Chapters 9 and 15)

____ get in touch with the conflicts and repressed feelings

inside me (Chapters 9, 12 and 15)

____ remember and understand my dreams or daydreams

(Chapter 15)

____ realize the continuing impact of my family life & early

experiences (Chapters 9, 14 and 15)

____ understand my needs--dependency, aggressive, sexual,

etc. (Chapters 7, 8, 9, 10 and 15)

Table 2.2: For the Hesitant Self-Helper--How to Move from Avoidance

to Contemplation to Commitment

Most self-improvement is made by people changing themselves,

not by people seeing therapists or attending 12-step groups. Self-help

is the most common approach with both easy changes and with very

tough ones, including smoking, drinking, and even heroin use (at least

in veterans returning from Vietnam). When these self-improvers are

asked, "How did you do it?" they often say "I just decided." Maybe

there is more wisdom in this comment than we realize at first. It is

quite possible, in certain situations, that "just deciding" is the core of

the problem. Indeed, for some people, once the decision is definitely

made that "I'm going to change," their planning and self-change

skills are quite adequate (or, perhaps, any old plan will work) and they

simply change. The indecision or ambivalence (between changing and

remaining the same) may often, in these cases, be the major problem

(Miller & Rollnick, 1991).

On the other hand, most tough self-change projects are not just a

matter of deciding "I'll do it." Making significant changes in our habits,

feelings, beliefs or attitudes usually require more than will power,

namely, extensive knowledge about self-help methods (which may be

learned by reading or by trying to change and failing over and over

again). And, we also need to learn how to be well motivated and

optimistic.

Overcoming the denial of a problem

Denying your problem is appealing because it is easy, there is

nothing to do, you can't fail, you can blame others, and others quickly

see your resistance to changing so they stop bugging you. We also use

a variety of excuses for doing nothing, such as "you can't get better

until you hit bottom," "I've tried everything," and "people can't

change." Amazingly, many people think self-change is impossible,

including an estimated 2/3rds of our physicians. Notice how we expect

experts to change us but not ourselves. That's nonsense.

What are the barriers we need to overcome in the process of "just

deciding?" For the person who hardly thinks about making a needed

change, the common barriers are (1) a reluctance to admit the

problem ("I'm only 10 pounds overweight," "I'm just big boned," "It

came from having babies," "My wife is overweight too," etc.). (2)

Rebellion against pressure ("I hate it that Mom makes me study before

dinner," "I like the way I've been teaching, this new cooperative

education is nonsense," "I hate it when he/she mentions my weight

when we are making love," etc.). (3) Resignation to staying the same

("I can't do anything about it," "I've tried to quit a 1000 times," etc.).

(4) Feeling a victim and believing that someone else is responsible for

your troubles; therefore, THEY owe it to you to fix it! You shouldn't

have to do the work of changing (Dombeck, 2000). (5) Rationalizing

that the problem behavior is really all right ("I know smoking isn't

good for you but I only smoke 15 a day and usually I don't inhale and

I smoke "light" cigarettes and I didn't start until I was 25 and my

grandpa smoked 2 packs a day until he was 95 and I need them to

relax but I'm going to quit!"). These are the kind of obstacles you

face--they are powerful.

What can we do about our avoidance and denial? First, we can

become aware of our use of excuses and mental tricks to avoid

changing. Certain personalities consistently use specific defenses, e.g.

if someone said something demeaning about you and you responded

by laughing it off or saying "they didn't really mean it--no big deal,"

you are probably prone to use denial or minimization. If you

responded by saying "that person is just mean-spirited, besides you

can't please everybody--these things happen" or "there are deep

psychological reasons why he/she said what he/she did," you are a

rationalizer or an intellectualizer. If you boiled over, verbally or

physically attacking the person or assuming they are totally evil, you

are "externalizing" the causes of the problem. If you became self-

critical and felt blamable for his/her opinion, you are "internalizing"

the causes of the problem. In short, learn what defense mechanisms

you use (see chapter 15) and do something about it, e.g. force

yourself to face upsetting problems, avoid explaining away criticism of

you, empathize with others (even critics), find less destructive ways to

vent your anger, avoid feeling totally responsible for every bad

happening, etc.

Second, the obvious solution to denial is to open your mind in

many ways but this may not be easy. You must find good, persuasive

reasons for changing. You must face reality and come to truly believe

that the desired goals are well worth the cost of changing. This means

you admit the problem, see its seriousness, and face the worries and

fears involved in remaining unchanged. Caution: Research has shown

that concentrating on the bad aspects of some behavior causes us to

be unhappy and to want to change, but it doesn't lead to change

(Beike, 2000). To take action and change, we must also see the

advantages of improving and believe we can make the self-

improvements we need. In other words, we have to get intimate with

the problem and learn about it, not avoid thinking about it. And we

must believe in our own self-control. How do you do both?

Miller and Rollnick, who deal with addictions, have developed

questions to help us see our problems more fully (these interviewers

have found that frank accusations and threatening confrontations by

others frequently don't work, our defenses go up and our denial works

overtime):

To see the problem--

What makes you think this is a problem?

What difficulties have you had related to this problem?

How have you been harmed by this problem? Have others been

harmed too?

What things might happen if you continue doing this?

Do you have lots of reasons why you don't want to change this

behavior?

To clarify your feelings--

How do you feel about this problem? How strongly do you feel?

What worries you about the future if you don't make a change?

How concerned are you?

How do you feel about yourself and your unwillingness to

change up until this point? or

How do you feel about getting into this situation and not

getting out before now?

To determine if you are really interested in changing--

Can you summarize your reasons for making a change?

What reasons are there for remaining the way you are? (pay

offs for the "problem" behavior)

Considering the pro and cons, how strongly do you want to

change?

What is keeping you from making a firm, specific commitment

to changing right now?

To see how optimistic or pessimistic you are about making

the desired changes--

If you decide to try to change, how confident are you that you

could do it? (Give your reasons)

Do you have some ideas about how to make the changes? Will

you need any help?

Have you read about self-help methods for changing? or about

therapies for changing?

Do you know other people who have made these changes?

When will you start?

The idea is to maximize in your mind the gap--the distance--

between changing and staying the same. The greater the advantages

of changing, as you see it, the greater your motivation. This is a

crucial start. Reading more about your problem and its development,

hearing more about other people solving a similar problem, and

learning more about various methods of attacking the problem should

give you even more hope and determination to get the job done. If

you can't become firmly convinced to change and find yourself making

a lukewarm attempt, you will probably not succeed. If changing

doesn't seem worthwhile, maybe you should seek professional help or

talk with a successful self-helper. Others can help you think more

about the above questions and your future. You need determination to

change.

Third, other people are often a crucial factor in determining if we

change or not. Some people encourage our bad habits, e.g. an enabler

minimizes our problem and doesn't confront us, instead they help us

neglect or cover up the problem because they are afraid of straining

the relationship. So avoid enablers. Helpers gently help us think about

our problems and the solutions; yet, they don't push us into premature

action. Admit your reluctance to change to a helpful friend and ask

him/her to share his/her view of your defenses and your reasons for

avoiding changes. This could be an eye opener. Also, look carefully for

helpful programs in your community, such as self-help groups, anti-

smoking programs, weight loss support groups, exercise programs at

work, and so on. These are great opportunities to increase your

awareness of the problems, see your choices, and get more arguments

and support for making changes. Friends, programs, or groups will

help get you started, and, likewise, arranging continuing support will

help keep you on track: work with a buddy, report your progress to

your doctor or helper every few days, have someone check up on you

every week, tell lots of people what changes you are trying to make

and ask them to keep asking you about your progress, etc.

Thinking of the "pros" comes first but once you are

seriously contemplating changing, you also need to focus on

accepting and/or decreasing the "cons" of changing. You need to

compensate for your losses. Examples: If by giving up smoking

you are losing a way to relax, you need to develop other ways calm

down when tense. If drinking less is taking you away from your

drinking buddies, you need to cultivate new friends or interact with

them when they aren't drinking. If studying more is reducing your

time with your lover, arrange to have an especially good time

during the time you have together. If becoming more assertive and

independent is creating some stress with your partner and causing

some loneliness, you may need to "work it out" with the partner

and become more involved with friends you enjoy. Taking care of

the "cons" will reduce the tendency to backslide.

Step 2:

Start Collecting and Recording Data

Immediately start assessing your adjustment in the area of

concern and continue throughout the project (see methods

#8 and #9 in chapter 11)

Select some way of measuring the changes you hope to make. The

idea is to keep a record of some easily countable behavior, often called

"target behavior," and/or some ratable emotion that clearly reflects

your quality of adjustment in the problem area. Examples:

Problem Area

Measure of Progress

Losing weight--

Calorie intake per day (and/or minutes exercising)

Studying more--

Pages read using SQRRR method (or hours spent

reading)

Depression--

Number of times I cried today (or rating of gloomy

mood)

Suppression of

feelings--

Number of times I started to get upset today but

didn't let myself feel the emotions (or rate your

degree of suppression)

Speech anxiety--

Rating of anxiety while speaking (and/or number of

times you speak up)

Closer friends--

Number of empathic responses given (or hours

spent with friends or ratings of closeness by

friends)

More confident--

Self-rating of confidence. Weekly rating by a

friend.

Self-satisfaction--

Number of positive self-evaluations given each day

(or a daily rating of self-esteem)

There are many ways of keeping a tally of the frequency or

duration or intensity of your target behaviors, feelings, or thoughts

during the day. One of the easiest and cheapest ways of keeping score

is to carry a 3 x 5 card and make tally marks during the day which you

could then plot on a graph each evening. This is especially helpful

when the 3 x 5 card is directly associated with the wanted or

unwanted behavior, such as being put on your desk or the refrigerator

door, on the exercise equipment or the candy box, or inside the

cellophane wrapper of the cigarette pack. A simple transfer of coins

from one pocket to another is another good counter. Of course, wrist

counters, similar to golf counters, are available.

If you record each recurrence of the desired behavior, you are

more likely to change your behavior than if you record the bad habit

you are trying to replace. Example: It is better to record hours spent

studying than hours watching TV if you want to study more. If you are,

nevertheless, going to record the unwanted behavior, such as

cigarettes smoked, calorie intake, or nail biting, require yourself to

record the behavior before acting. That way the recording helps to

reduce the habit (Kanfer, 1970).

Rate your emotions and attitudes

You will find that certain feelings and emotional reactions are hard

to measure. For example, suppose you generally feel blue or sort of

sad and bored. How would you count that target behavior? You

couldn't, but you can rate it from 1 to 10, with 1 being very happy and

excited, 5 being neither happy nor sad, and 10 being very unhappy

and hopeless. Likewise, if you are just generally irritable, it may be

hard to count any meaningful bit of behavior, but you could daily rate

your level of irritation or sensitivity or anger.

Every problem--and every desired behavior or feeling--can be

measured by counting or rating. By measuring the problem every few

hours or maybe every day or two, you can tell how serious the

problem is and if you are changing.

Plotting your progress

It is important to start plotting the behavior, feelings, or attitude

you want to change as soon as possible, preferably before you start

trying to change the behavior, so that you will get an idea of your level

of adjustment before self-help is started. In fact, when you make the

graph, record your best estimate of the frequency or severity of the

target behavior or emotion during the previous week. This provides a

pre-observation basis of comparison with later data. Continue to keep

these records, preferably day by day, throughout the time you are

trying to change, and keep the records for a while after the project is

over to be sure you don't backslide.

Why is it so important to keep a daily record of your progress?

Day-by-day (or more often) assessment of your adjustment is more

accurate than your recall a week or so later of how well you coped

(Stone, et al, 1998). Frequent recordings force you to become more

concrete, more realistic, and more objective in thinking about the

problem. You can then better decide what observable, measurable

changes you would like to accomplish. Many people find that as soon

as they start observing the behavior through daily records, the

behavior frequently, almost immediately starts to improve. This is

empirically confirmed by Cone (1999), Thorsen and Mahoney (1974),

Kazdin (1974), and Johnson and White (1971). These improvements

based on observation alone may fade away rather quickly, however, if

they are not reinforced (Mahoney and Arnkoff, 1978).

Another reason for keeping records, especially if honestly plotted

and openly displayed for you and others to see, is that they provide

some encouragement and social pressure to change. Graphs and

charts clearly show successes--and failures. Dieters who record their

food intake faithfully every day lose much more weight (37 pounds)

than dieters who just "try to watch it" (10 pounds). Finally, a

successful record, showing improvement over time, is personally

satisfying because of pride in self-control, and also you receive

genuine praise from others. Almost everyone admires self-control.

Still another reason to keep objective records is that many of us

are poor judges of our own weaknesses and incompetence (Dunning &

Kruger, 1999). Actually, the more a person lacks certain skills, e.g.

understanding grammar or grasping logical reasoning or humor, the

less likely they are to realize their failings (or to recognize the skill of

others). All the more reason to use simple counting or rating methods

for assessing change. This impairment in judgment is so marked in

some of us, however, that even simple methods may not work

because we fail to perceive accurately the event we are to count or

rate. In that case, we may need to get help in detecting and/or

judging our target behavior... or get help in making changes.

Most of my students have made progress charts with the 30-31

days of the month along the bottom. Then they plot the frequency of

the target behavior or strength of their ratings vertically, putting their

scale along the left margin. Arranged this way, the graph shows the

ups and downs of their lives.

A really neat idea is to add explanatory notes (or symbols) at the

high and low points on your graph. Examples: a particularly bad time

might be when working overtime or during exams, your irritability may

go up and down with your financial situation, etc. This information on

your graph makes your behavior more understandable and may lead

to helpful ideas.

Keep a detailed record or diary of your actions, thoughts,

feelings, dreams. Do research.

In addition to the behavioral counts, ratings and graphs, I'd

strongly recommend you keep a diary. If you are working on an

emotional problem--temper control, worry, low self-esteem, fears,

dependency--or on an interpersonal concern--loneliness, shyness,

jealousy, deciding to marry, fighting with roommates--it is valuable to

record the situation and your actions as well as what is going on inside

your head and your gut. For instance, if you are hoping to get better

control of your anger, you could keep a diary including (a) the

situations that upset you, (b) your emotional (gut) reactions, (c) your

thoughts and assumptions, (d) your actions--what you said and did--

and (e) what was the final outcome in terms of how others responded

to your anger. Over several weeks, this information may help you

understand the real causes and dynamics of your anger. Besides,

diaries are fascinating months or years later.

At this point, you are primarily trying to measure your level of

adjustment--how well you are doing. Over time, these measures will

show if you are making progress or not. In addition to frequently

(maybe several times a day) measuring your current status, after you

have decided on a "self-treatment" plan in steps 5 and 6, you will

probably need to record exactly when and how you apply the

self-help method. Example: if you are making and recording efforts

every hour to replace negative, critical thoughts with positive ones,

you will need to rate your level of depression or happiness/optimism

every 3 or 4 hours, at least. The relationships between your efforts to

change and the actual changes that occur are, of course, at the heart

of evaluating your treatment plan. Don't leave that judgment up to

intuition or guess work, measure the connection! This will be

discussed further in step 7. If you are interested in more sophisticated

research using repeated measures in a "daily process," refer to Affleck,

et al (1999), Korotitsch and Nelson-Grey (1999), and Schwartz and

Stone (1998). Self-help projects are ideally suited for this kind of

practical single-subject research.

Progress and goals are different things

When assessing your progress, you are looking backwards to see

how much you have changed over a certain time. However, when

setting goals, as discussed in Step 4, you are looking forward to the

changes you hope to make. Some people set very high goals, resulting

in their feeling discouraged that they are so very far from where they

want to be. Demanding goals can be and should be inspiring. So don't

let ambitious distant goals cloud your perception of how far you have

come. Measure it.

Step 3:

Try to Understand the Problem

Try to understand the problem: what are the five parts?

how do the parts relate to each other? how did the

problem and its parts get started? why have they

continued? What are the reasons for changing?

Most of us would like to understand "what makes us tick," even if

that understanding doesn't help us change. It is like climbing a

mountain; we want to explore our inner self because it is there--a

great mystery that intrigues us. Self-exploration is an important life-

long task; it can help us change in terms of insight and treatment

planning.

Understanding the problem can, of course, be a highly complex,

time consuming process (consider that psychoanalysis takes years,

perhaps 500 hours of therapy). I recommend you always describe the

problem by briefly looking at the five parts, but that the understanding

of the history be done quickly at first, coming back to do an in depth

probe into the origin and causes of your problem if that is needed.

Describing the problem: look at all five parts

As mentioned in this chapter's overview, the basic idea or system

utilized throughout this book is that problems become clearer and

more manageable if you break them down into five parts: behavior,

emotions, skills, attitudes-values, and unconscious factors.

Most problems manifest themselves in all or, at least, several of these

five parts. For example, shyness may involve (1) withdrawn, quiet

behavior, (2) tense, nervous feelings, (3) a lack of social skills, (4) a

negative self-concept or expectation that most people will see you as

insecure, and (5) unconscious factors, like fearing being stupid

because you were called stupid as a child or being a loner because you

resented your mother being very sociable.

Here is another example (obviously, not an actual person). The

description of this troubled student, John/Jane, is in considerable

detail, illustrating the breakdown of procrastination into five parts:

Part 1: Behavior

I always put off studying and papers until the last minute. I end

up being rushed and doing a poor job or trying to find any

"easy way out."

I have no organization, no schedule for studying, no list of what

needs to be done, and I frequently forget assignments. I pretty

much do what I feel like doing.

I never study or read unless it is required the next day. I

usually study 2 or 3 hours at most for difficult exams. I prefer

to watch TV, party, listen to music, sleep, be with friends or my

boy/girlfriend.

I look for shortcuts, including cheating, getting someone to

write papers for me, talking my girl/boyfriend into doing my

homework for me, etc.

I harass the students who do their homework and do well on

exams.

Part 2: Emotions

I hate to study, courses are boring, school seems useless. I

can't wait until I get out of school and make lots of money.

My studying is always rushed, I never feel well prepared, I feel

anxious in class. I hate to get exams and papers back. I'm

embarrassed by my work and grades.

I feel forced to study and resent it. I would rather talk to

friends and do fun things, it makes me mad when I can't do

what I want to do.

I feel little or no guilt about cheating, instead I feel clever and

pleased when I can "beat the system" and get better grades

than the "stupid" kids who do the "useless" homework.

Part 3: Skills (Lack of)

Poor reading ability and speed. I can't learn the details unless I

read the material twice and I can't stand to do that.

Poor writing ability, poor grammar and spelling.

I'm able to persuade or threaten others into lending me their

notes, into typing my papers and correcting the errors, into

letting me cheat off their tests, etc.

Part 4: Mental processes

I think what you learn in school is a waste. What I think is

important is how well a person can control people or "work the

system." I'm good at it.

I think that I will be a responsible, honest, successful, hard

worker just as soon as I get into the real world and away from

this stupid school.

I think I am very intelligent because my friends are constantly

impressed with the things I do, like giving excuses for missing

class or talking teachers into letting me take the exam later

(after I get the answers from someone).

I think the students who study hard or "show off what they

know" in class are jerks and stupid because "they are making it

hard on the rest of us."

I expect to get average grades but I let people know that I

haven't studied, so they will not think I am dumb. I'd like to be

seen as smart.

Part 5: Unconscious processes (these are possibilities which I

can't know for sure at this point or, for that matter, ever)

I may avoid putting myself to the test, i.e. studying hard to see

how able I really am. I'm afraid I'm not very smart; I don't like

to think about it.

I may resent my father who is a workaholic; I probably hated

my father's work, success, drive, organization (everything in its

place), and pushiness. I felt rejected by mother because she

admired father's successes so much. I may push this out of my

mind, except for the resentment and distance I feel.

Many teachers remind me of my father, so this may make it

especially satisfying to blow off studying or to cheat on a paper.

I sometimes think I am an impostor, a manipulator, and a lazy

liar. When I think that way, I feel guilty and have some

awareness that my future is bleak. I push these ideas out of my

mind. Wonder if my conscience thinks I deserve to fail in life?

Note: don't expect yourself, as a beginner, to write so thorough or so "probing" a

description of your problem.

The major point to observe here is that you may have a seemingly

simple problem, such as putting off homework, which becomes

clarified and much more complex when it is analyzed into its five parts.

Anyone can see that John/Jane's behavior of procrastination is merely

the surface symptom of several possibly serious underlying problems

(self-centeredness, poor self-control and study skills, self-deception,

arrogance, a lack of morals, family problems, etc.). The

procrastinating behavior is unlikely to change unless John/Jane

changes many other parts of the problem: his/her habits, his/her

feelings, his/her attitudes, his/her goals, his/her relationships, his/her

skills, and his/her awareness of unconscious motives as well as other

factors. A big order!

On the other hand, in some cases procrastination is a simple

matter that can be quickly solved by setting up a daily schedule and a

reward system for keeping the schedule. It would be foolish to make

our problems unnecessarily complex. So, describe the five parts of

your problem quickly and simply at first, then try a very simple

approach. If that works and satisfies you, don't waste time. If not, look

into the problem more thoroughly.

What is the history?

Beyond theoretical explanations, research findings, and

understanding interrelationships among the parts, every self-helper

should give a little thought, at least, to the history of his/her problem.

Only you know your history. You are obviously on your own to find the

precise current or historical events that cause your unique situation.

Knowing the specific history can be important in developing a plan. For

example, consider two cases of depression: one was recently rejected

by a lover, the other learned as a child to be perfectionistic, highly

self-critical, and to expect to fail. Both are equally depressed.

Obviously, the solutions are probably quite different because the

causes and several parts of the problems are different. Causes of a

problem may not be immediately apparent even to the person

involved, so be open minded as you seek self-understanding, consider

all possibilities.

Since behavior therapists are fond of saying their methods can

help without the therapist having to uncover the causes and the

history of the problem, let me hasten to say that I agree with that

too... sometimes. Many problems can certainly be eliminated without

digging deeply into your early childhood and without concocting

speculative psychoanalytic explanations. Yet, in other cases, it can be

beneficial to understand how the problem started and how it has been

maintained. Even the behaviorist would want to ask, "What is the

reinforcement history of the problem behavior?"

Again, the history of your problem may be clearer if you

investigate the background of each part separately. That is, what is

the history of your unwanted behavior, your emotional reactions, your

lack of skills, your irrational or harmful ways of thinking, and your

unconscious needs, "games," or defenses? Consider four stages of

your history, as sketchily illustrated by this hypothetical depressed

person:

Part of the

problem

1. Current

situation

2. Any

recent

stress or

crises?

Developmental

history

4. Origin

Behavior

alone & inactive

restrictive

parents

Emotions

tense &

depressed

divorce

expects the worst

(from

Mom?)

Skills

poor social

skills

friends sided

with ex-

husband

loner

very shy at

18 months

Cognition

self-critical

blamed by

husband

Mo. critical

Unconscious

factors

husband

leaving

associated with

father leaving

distrustful of

men

abandoned

by Fa. at 6

Ask yourself, "How did each part start and what has kept it going?"

"Is there some reinforcement--a payoff--for each part?" As you will

see in chapter 4, there are many ways for a behavior to be

maintained. For example, many harmful and troublesome behaviors,

feelings, and thoughts have obvious payoffs. Cheating on an exam,

being unfaithful, or being very obedient are all rewarded (at least they

are behaviors that seek certain rewards). Having a psychosomatic

headache may get us attention or off work. Even feeling so shy that a

person withdraws from others may be reinforced by the relief the

person feels when he/she avoids the stress of interacting. Perhaps

every human action that continues is reinforced. If so, look for the

payoffs.

A word of caution: The five parts of the problem do not include all of the possible causes

of a problem. They only include the psychological parts within you. What else might be a

cause of your problems?

Biological and chemical factors: genetic factors, constitution,

physical illness, organically based psychiatric conditions (like

schizophrenia or manic-depression), physical and mental handicaps,

hormones (like PMS), prescribed and street drugs, alcohol, nutritional

influences, allergies, etc. Factors such as these may be the primary

cause of your problem, that's why you must see a physician when

psychological cures don't do much for you (see step 1).

Current physical and social environment: recent crises or stresses,

breaking up, losing a friend or a job, doing poorly on a test, poverty,

abuse, poor work and/or living conditions, poor education, a lack or

excess of friends, the overwhelming demands of a large family, being

teased, being sexually harassed, etc. Factors such as these may also

cause your problem or, at least, contribute to the problem. You may or

may not be able to change your environment. How you perceive and

react to the environment is a psychological process, however.

(Childhood experiences certainly also affect your current behavior,

personality, and attitudes. However, the memories and/or emotional

reactions of these events are still in you; they aren't just history, they

are current, powerful psychological factors in your memory now. These

old habits, emotional garbage, expectations, beliefs, etc. clearly

influence your current adjustment. Throughout this book, the current

impact of your childhood and earlier life is constantly considered,

especially in chapters 9, 14, and 15.)

Obviously, a perfect analysis of your problem would require that all

factors be taken into account to fully understand and explain your

problem--it almost always is very complex. You could spend hours

exploring the history and the current dynamics. As I said, you

probably don't need a perfect analysis. Some understanding is

worthwhile, but clearly there is a limit, perhaps an hour or two of

reading and thinking, unless it is a very complex or important problem.

You have to move on to setting goals for yourself and developing a

treatment plan.

For every complex problem, there is a simple answer... and it is wrong.

-Mark Twain

Most of psychology is descriptive; for understanding, look for

usable ideas

As you read more and more, keep in mind that general psychology

textbooks tend to be 95% descriptive and only 5% prescriptive, i.e.

academic psychology observes, surveys, describes development, and

reports on experiments to prove and disprove theories, but it doesn't

tell you much about how to solve common problems (you usually have

to figure that out yourself). There are thousands of volumes describing

and attempting to theoretically explain human behavior in an

experimental lab. In this book, I have pulled together only the most

useful prescriptive information and summarized it. In each chapter, I

have also cited the better, more prescriptive references. I urge you to

become a reader for self-understanding (see chapters 14 and 15).

Reading useful psychological information can have a tremendous

impact on your life. Give it a try, but I want to repeat a caution: don't

get so involved in understanding--it can be addictive--that you forget

to, or put off, actually trying to change. The key words are, "DO

SOMETHING! If it doesn't work, try something else." If you don't use

what you read within a day or two, you will probably lose it. Keep up

your motivation so you can move on to making specific goals and

plans for changing

Avoid these additional pitfalls: wanting to know everything before

trying to change, worrying more than planning how to change, hoping

for some easy way to change, etc. Continue to reduce your opposition

to changing: accept that change takes time and effort, accept that you

might fail, accept that the changes may result in the loss of some

friends and pleasures. Decide to pay the price for the improvement.

Prochaska, Norcross & DiClemente (1994) say that our motivation

to change can often be increased by arousing certain emotions.

Examples: Bad habits, although immediately pleasurable, often harm

our lives. This long-term self-destruction should make us mad. You

can arrange for experiences that emphasize the need to change, e.g.

try running (very slowly!) around the block if you are overweight,

calculate how much you spend per year on alcohol or cigarettes or

excess food, video yourself getting drunk or bingeing, etc. Create your

own negative fantasies about the long-range consequences of your

problem, e.g. imagine becoming so fat you can't make love, fat

clogging your arteries, how your negative attitude and anger drives

everyone away, etc. Looking steadily and honestly at our own gloomy

predicted future can propel us to change.

As you work through the steps of self-help, you are likely to get

more motivated to change. You will read about and measure the

problem, set goals, think about the causes of the problem, wonder

what methods will help, develop a good self-help plan, think about

how good you will feel about yourself if you change and how bad you

will feel if you don't change; all these things add motivation. Seek out

information and support from people. Be real clear about your reasons

for changing. Remember, consider carefully the reasons for not

changing because if you don't become convinced that changing is the

right thing to do, you are likely to slip back to your old habit when the

going gets rough. Hopefully, you can move to the next steps well

motivated. More information about self-motivation is available in

chapter 14 and in Prochaska, Norcross & DiClemente (1994).

Step 4:

Set Realistic Goals

Goals guide our lives. Don't be goalless

When setting goals, you should consider: (1) what do I need to

give up or reduce or eliminate (consider each part of the problem)? (2)

What do I need to increase or substitute for the unwanted behavior or

feeling or thought? (3) What change should be given priority and done

first? (4) What are reasonable daily sub-goals and long term goals,

and are they consistent with each other? (5) How fast should the

changes be made (cold turkey vs. gradual change)? (6) Most

importantly, are my goals in this project in keeping with my basic

values? Let's look at these questions more closely.

Setting goals is near the beginning of a self-change process; it is

not even close to being the end result. However, in our culture or, at

least, in my classes, it seems as though many people assume they

have solved a problem just as soon as they have stated an admirable

goal for themselves or someone else. Examples: A person feeling over-

weight says, "I'm going to lose 10 pounds" but develops no specific

plan. A friend says to an unassertive co-worker, "You shouldn't let

them walk all over you, be assertive." Never mind the details of how to

get from where you are (scared and passive) to where you want to be

(strong and assertive)! Don't make that mistake. The next two steps,

5 and 6, help you figure out how to get where you want to go. But,

sometimes, just deciding where you want to go is not simple, as we'll

see.

Realistic, effective goals must be attainable, important, and taken

seriously. Being goalless is a serious problem. Goals serve us well.

They focus our energy, reduce distractions, get us looking for new

solutions, keep us striving, and give meaning to our existence (Locke,

Shaw, Saari, & Latham, 1981). There is a Web site, MyGoalManager

(http://www.mygoalmanager.com/), which helps you plan the steps,

keep up your motivation, and review your progress.

Demanding-but-reachable specific goals motivate us more than a

vague "do your best" or too easy goals, resulting in better plans and

more effort. For example, when exercising, the goal "to do your best"

does not result in as many sit-ups as "do 10% more sit-ups than you

did last time." On the other hand, overly demanding, perfectionistic

goals are more likely to lead to failure, disappointment, and giving up

(see chapter 6). It may not be easy to find the optimal middle ground

between too hard (seeking perfection) and too easy (not trying hard

enough) goals; try both extremes until you find what serves you best.

Guidelines for goals: your goals should be truly yours, not

someone else's. Goals based on "I should" or "I ought to" are not as

motivating as goals based on "I want to..." Negative goals that state

what you do not want to do (eat too much, get mad, feel sad, etc.) are

not nearly as clear and motivating as positive goals (I will eat 1000

calories per day, make "I" statements instead of getting mad, and

accentuate positive thoughts instead of pessimistic ones). Our goals

should be stated in terms of specific behaviors at specific times under

specific conditions, not just "I want better self-esteem." Sub-goals

usually seem more reachable if they form a series of gradual steps,

rather than one giant leap. Understanding your feelings is a

commendable goal but gaining understanding frequently doesn't solve

all your problems; often you must learn to act differently as well as

understand. Try to do less of what doesn't work (often what comes

naturally) and do things differently; hopefully, more of what works. To

set doable goals means you have to know how to change--how to get

from where you are to where you want to be. Sometimes this means

you must know what methods will work (see next step) or you will

have to use your determination or "will" to change, e.g. stop nagging,

be a better empathic listener, use "I" instead of "you" statements, etc.

Self-confidence that you can accomplish each of your sub-goals is an

important part of your motivation and your reaching your long-range

goals. But if your "I-can-do-it" attitude is an illusion, then you will fail

and your confidence decline.

Your self-help goals should, ideally, be within your control (the

outcome is not). That may seem obvious but goals get confused with

values or wishes. For example, "I want to be happy" is a very

reasonable condition to hope for in life. But our happiness is

determined by so many things, many of which are beyond our control.

So, as a goal of a self-help project, happiness probably wouldn't be as

good as some specific, more controllable act, emotion, skill, thought,

or awareness that would probably help "make us happy." Of course, a

lot of very desirable goals are not entirely within our control: your

grade in Physics, your total sales this year, your love life, your health,

etc. On the other hand, we are perfectly able to decide how many

hours a day we study Physics, how many sales contacts we make or

the skills we use with customers, how much we criticize our spouse or

how many fun things we do together, and how stressed we are or how

much saturated fat we eat. We can have fairly good control over these

things. We can only expect to partially control our behavior, not the

world.

There are but two roads that lead to an important goal and to the doing of great things:

strength and perseverance. Strength is the lot of but a few privileged men; but austere

perseverance, harsh and continuous, may be employed by the smallest of us and rarely

fails of its purpose, for its silent power grows irresistibly greater with time.

-Goethe

If you persuade yourself that you can do a certain thing, provided

this thing is possible, you will do it, however difficult it may be. If, on

the contrary, you imagine that you cannot do the simplest thing in the

world, it is impossible for you to do it, and molehills become for you

unscalable.

-Emile Coue'

Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may

not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in

them, and try to follow where they lead.

-Louisa May Alcott, 1832-1888, American Author

Having a very specific notion of where you are going and how to

get there, helps you get there. Also, getting explicit feedback about

how much progress you are making towards your daily or weekly sub-

goals is very helpful. Therefore, it is to your advantage to state your

sub-goals in very specific terms, both behavior-wise and time-wise,

e.g. "I want to lose a pound a week for the next 10 weeks. I will keep

records and reward myself for eating less than 1200 calories per day

by watching TV in the evening. Otherwise, I will have to miss my

favorite programs." The weekly weight loss, the reduced daily calories,

the record keeping, and the rewards are all possible sub-goals.

Likewise, your general goal might be "gaining self-esteem" but the

specific sub-goals could be something like, "Whenever I become aware

of a depressing and untrue self-critical thought, I will immediately stop

the thought and remind myself of two positive traits. I'd like to

increase my awareness of these negative thoughts over the next two

weeks (so I can stop them) and be much more self-satisfied in one

month." Thus, being less self-critical and having more positive

thoughts are self-help sub-goals on the way to self-esteem.

Remember, becoming happier and having esteem are hoped-for-but-

not-guaranteed outcomes; specific self-help goals are more

controllable. It is also important to measure your progress towards

your specific goals. Steps 2 and 7 deal with measuring goal-

attainment, as does recording the behavior in chapter 11 and keeping

a diary in chapter 15.

Summary

The desired outcomes (goals) for each of your self-help projects

are likely to be in two or three "parts" of the problem, as described in

the last step, i.e. you may want changes in your behaviors, in your

feelings, in skills, in how you think, and/or in your awareness of

previously unconscious factors. In effect, there are four kinds of highly

related goals (general vs. specific; long-term vs. short-term; method

vs. results):

1. Major, general, final outcome-of-the-problem goals,

Examples:

I don't want to be so irritable.

I want to be kinder and gentler.

which may be stated as:

2. final outcome sub-goals within specific parts

(behavior, skills, etc.) of the problem,

Examples:

I want to stop yelling and swearing (behavior).

I want to calm down disciplining Bobby (emotions).

I want to learn a lot about parenting (skills).

I want to think more positively about what Bobby has done,

less awfulizing.

I want insight into how my childhood affects my parenting

(unconscious).

which will almost certainly have some:

3. daily or weekly progress (how fast should I change?) sub-

goals within each part,

Examples:

I will eliminate cussing by next Monday.

I will, in two weeks, lose emotional control less than once per

week with Bobby.

I will attempt, every time I get mad, to see the similarity

between Bobby and me at his age, and the similarity between

me and Mom/Dad at my age.

and:

4. method (what must I do to produce the changes I want?)

sub-goals within each part of the problem.

Examples:

I will skip the next meal if I cuss.

I will desensitize my anger in situations where I am correcting

Bobby.

I will read a book on discipline emphasizing positive

reinforcement.

I will think of what Bobby did well or that was nice before

criticizing him.

I will keep a diary describing when and why I get mad--and my

memories of childhood in which I felt angry or I saw anger in

my parents (or caretaker).

Don't let all these goals overwhelm you. But I want you to get the

point: you need daily and weekly sub-goals. You may even need

hourly sub-goals. You will probably try to change only two or three

parts of your problem (that's what you are tentatively deciding in this

step--although the method you chose to use will also determine your

goals). And, you will need only one or two methods to change each

part (steps 5 and 6). However, there are many possible changes you

could focus on within each of the five parts of your problem, and you

may chose to change rapidly or slowly, and you must chose a self-help

method from among 20-30 possible methods. These many choices,

whether you think about them or not, determine your goals (and your

success) in any self-help project. As you accumulate wisdom and

become more aware of the situation and the decisions you are making

(or neglecting) every moment, you may gain more control over your

life.

But before finalizing your goals, please ask yourself: Are these

goals in line with my real priorities in life? Do these goals reflect what I

value most, what I think my life should be devoted to? Or, am I just

being shortsighted or selfish or spending my time on some change that

is to please others or of little significance to my life or to the world?

These are difficult but crucial questions, don't overlook this step. As

Covey, Merrill & Merrill (1994) ask, "How many people on their

deathbed wish they'd spent more time in the office?" These authors

also express the same idea in another way: select your goals carefully

because you might reach them, only to discover that you have been

climbing a long time up a ladder on the wrong wall! In addition to

Covey, Merrill & Merrill's book, perhaps chapter 3 and a book by Dahl

& Sykes (1988) will help you find the right direction to go .

What is more mortifying than to feel that you have missed the plum for want of courage to

shake the tree?

-Logan Pearsall Smith

Goals are dreams with deadlines.

It is far better to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, though

checkered with failure, than to take rank with those poor souls, who

neither enjoy much or suffer much, because they live in the gray

twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat..

-Author unknown

I expect to pass through the world but once. Any good therefore that I

can do, or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature, let me

do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way

again.

-Stephen Grellet

Step 5:

Select the Self-Help Methods

Select self-help methods and organize them into an overall

treatment plan that will be most effective in producing the

desired self-change.

In the chapters below, you will find many self-help methods

recommended for these problems. It is important to read the chapters

related to your problem.

Nature of your concern

Chapters that will help you

understand the problem

Deciding on a philosophy of life

Chapter 3

Changing your behavior or habits

Chapters 4 and 11

Dealing with anxiety and fears

Chapters 5 and 12

Dealing with sadness, low esteem

Chapters 6, 12 and 14

Dealing with anger and prejudice

Chapters 7, 12, 13 and 14

Dealing with dependency, conformity

Chapters 8, 12 and 13

Understanding yourself and others

Chapters 9, 14 and 15

Love, marriage, and sex

Chapter 10

You will find that most situations aren't so simple that you only

need to read one chapter, however. Here is why: Each of the How-To-

Understand chapters (3 to 10) breaks the topic into the five parts:

behavior, emotions, skills, mental processes, and unconscious factors.

Thus, chapter 6 on depression will refer you to chapter 4 because

depressed people need to be active--behaving--and chapter 6 will also

refer you to chapter 3 if guilt is involved and to chapter 13 if you need

social skills to get out and have fun and so on. Before you are done,

you may feel like you have had to read almost the whole book because

everything is so intertwined. Sorry, but that's real life... and you need

to know about all of it.

Remember originally I said the five parts were to help you

understand your problem. Now, it sounds like I'm saying the five parts

help you fix the problem. That's right. This five-part analysis helps

both ways. It is especially helps you find usable self-help methods.

Here is how. Most self-help methods (and therapy methods) have an

influence primarily on only one of the five parts of a problem, not all

five. Thus, there is a highly useful relationship between diagnosis (a

description of a part of the problem) and treatment methods to use.

Table 2.3 will help you see this relationship and find the chapters

telling you in detail how to change each part. At this point, you should

be beginning to get the basic idea of how you could develop a

comprehensive and fairly sophisticated treatment plan.

Table 2.3: Analysis of Problem into Parts and Possible Solutions

Parts of any problem

Psychological self-help methods

1. Behavior (simple

thoughts) (What behavior or

habitual thoughts do I want

to change?)

Self-reinforcement, self-punishment change of

environment, break the chain early, extinction,

thought control, covert sensitization, self-

instructions.

2. Emotions

--fears and anxiety

--sadness & self-criticism

--anger & prejudice

--dependency & passivity

(What unwanted feelings

are involved?)

Relaxation, self-desensitization, venting

feelings, exposure to harmless fears, stress

inoculation, meditation, constructive use of

emotional energy.

3. Skills (Lacking)

(What skills do I need?)

Problem-solving training, social skills via

practice in groups and role playing,

assertiveness training, constructively handling

anger, decision making, study skills, leadership

skills, organization and scheduling skills.

4. Mental processes

--attitudes

--values

--motivation

--self-concept

(Which views and values

harm--and which help?)

Questioning irrational ideas, correcting

expectations, determinism, building self-

esteem, paradoxical intention, increasing

motivation, values clarifications, gaining hope,

developing a philosophy of life, learning to think

straight, helpful attitudes, self-hypnosis.

5. Unconscious motives

(What needs and defenses

cause me trouble? What

conscious life plan can

replace my unconscious life

script?)

Self-awareness exercises, transactional analysis,

psychological reading, focusing, dream analysis,

self-understanding by writing an autobiography,

feedback from tests, friends, and groups, and

learning to accept oneself.

After reading a couple of "understanding-the-problem" chapters (3

to 10) that address your problem, and after reading the general idea

and purposes sections of "possible methods" in chapters 11 to 15, you

are ready to start working out a treatment plan for yourself.

In step 3, you have already seen how to describe your problem,

part by part. Now, you start developing a self-help treatment plan,

part by part. By first considering the pros and cons of using several

self-help methods within three or four of the most promising parts of

your problem, you can crudely draft tentative plans for achieving your

sub-goals within those parts of your problem. Jot down your self-help

ideas and add other methods as you read and think about solving the

problem. Talking to others will help you develop a better plan (see

brainstorming in method #11 in chapter 13). At this point, several

self-help methods should be considered.

Examples of the self-improvement planning process: Finding

self-help methods

Keep in mind that to become an expert self-helper, you need a lot

of practice analyzing problems into the five parts. And you need to

become familiar with a large number of self-help methods, before you

can quickly devise comprehensive self-help treatment plans. After

doing several self-improvements and reading much of this book, you

should be able to think of many possible solutions to almost any

problem within a few minutes, even though a good plan uses only a

few methods.

For now, even without that practice and knowledge, let's look at

two illustrations of how to develop a well thought out treatment plan.

In the first case, Case A, a young man has a problem of being lonely,

fearful, and pessimistic, especially concerning the opposite sex. In

Case B, the problem is John/Jane again, i.e. procrastination and a

negative attitude towards school.

Case A: A lonely shy man

Part of the Problem

Possible Self-help Methods

1. Behavior: Avoids girls, has little to

say.

Write a contract rewarding talking to

girls with TV time; buy a new record

album as soon as one girl is asked for

a date (chapters 4 &11).

2. Feelings: feels shy, anxious when

talking to attractive girls, afraid of

rejection.

Use relaxation and desensitization to

reduce fear of approaching a girl to

talk to or for a date (chapters 5 &

12).

3. Skills: doesn't know how to start or

end a conversation; unsure how to

ask a girl out.

Practice different approaches by role-

playing with a friend, observe others,

prepare for conversations in advance

(chapters 9 & 13).

4. Attitudes: has self-doubts and the

belief that it would be awful if a girl

didn't want to go out with him.

Develop a more positive self-concept

by reviewing and praising self for

good points; challenge the irrational

idea that it would be so awful that he

couldn't stand to be rejected by any

girl for any reason (chapters 6 & 14).

5. Unconscious: unconsciously hates

self for being so weak, suspects that

females are demanding, critical, and

fickle; afraid of being hurt in a

relationship.

Look for the source of the self-critical

attitude (did parents put him down?

Has he been ignored--or indulged?)

Where does the distrust of women

come from? (Mother liked a sibling

more? Has been rejected before?

Afraid of sex or intimacy?) See

chapters 6, 7, 9, 10, & 15.

Case B: John/Jane--Procrastination

See step 3 for a description of the problem; this is a list of possible

self-help methods for changing John/Jane's procrastination:

Part 1: Behavior (Chapters 3, 4, 11, 13)

Self-confront and admit how serious my situation is; decide if I

want to become capable or stay a con headed for trouble. Have

an honest discussion of this with my parents.

Update a To-Be-Done List every morning or no breakfast.

Set up a schedule for studying. If I can't immediately start

studying 3 hours a night (I've got a lot of catching up to do), I'll

start with 1 hour and increase it 1/2 hour each week. My

reward will be time with my boy/girlfriend (they have agreed to

not let me cheat).

Reduce wasted time, stop cheating, stop insulting good

students. Use thought stopping and self-criticism to stop these

things. I'll self-praise my improvements.

Make friends with some serious students, try to see their point

of view.

Plan more good times with friends, but goof off and watch TV

less.

Part 2: Emotions (Chapters 5, 12, 14)

Confront my fears and find out how smart I am. Do my best in

one course (4 hours of study per week) and see how well I can

do.

Desensitize my anger towards school work and anxiety about

not doing well on papers and exams.

Challenge my irrational, self-defeating ideas about how stupid

school and studying is. Challenge the self-cons about being so

clever and so good with people. Remind myself of the deep

trouble I am heading for if I don't reduce my hostility.

Make studying more enjoyable by relaxing, eating, having a

coke, holding my boy/girlfriend's hand, etc. at the same time.

Feel better by being better prepared and by feeling proud of

better and honest work.

Part 3: Skills (Chapter 13)

Read about scheduling and time management so I can be

better organized.

Learn and use a good reading method, such as SQRRR.

Learn to write better by writing in my diary every day and

seeking tutoring at the Writing Clinic.

Build my vocabulary and spelling ability by adding 5 new words

to a 3 X 5 card every day.

Concentrate on listening to others and responding with

empathy to be helpful.

Learn enough and then offer help to others with their

homework.

Part 4: Mental processes (Chapter 3, 4, 6, 13, 14)

Test out how much studying really affects my grades.

Study different amounts of time for different exams (record

this) and compare with grades received.

Stop myself every time I tell myself that social skills and

"image" are all that matter. Start being honest with myself

about needing to study more, being scared, etc.

Become realistically excited about my future by spending 10

minutes a day talking to someone or fantasizing about being

successful. Also, imagine failing or becoming a hated con artist

or total jerk.

Look out for excuses, rationalizations, and self-cons that justify

procrastinating, e.g. "studying doesn't help" or "I'll do it

tomorrow" or "I'll be hard working and honest just as soon as I

graduate."

Learn to think clearly and make good decisions, including a

career choice.

Develop a meaningful philosophy of life which I can live by.

Ask myself several times a day, "What is the best use of my

time right now?" Act on the answer.

Think of compliments to give students who do good work...and

even teachers.

Figure out ways to build my self-esteem and my belief in myself

as a self-helper who is in control of my life. Increase my

motivation.

Part 5: Unconscious processes (Chapter 4, 9, 15)

Talk with Mom and Dad to see why he worked so hard and why

resented it. Share with them how I felt left out or rejected.

Find out how they felt about my anger and rebellion.

Increase my understanding of my procrastination and cynicism

by doing an autobiography and/or by keeping a journal.

When I resent a teacher and a tough assignment, I will tell

myself that this feeling is a harmful leftover from my

competition as a child with my father. It is silly for it to spread

to teachers.

Realize that I may have a tendency to self-destruct by

manipulating and lying. Send up a mental warning flare to

myself whenever I feel the urge to con someone.

Become more aware of the unconscious feelings and needs

inside me. Read about the unconscious self-destructive or

rebellious factors in others.

Get in touch with the child within; realize the destructive,

you're-not-OK, put-down games that child has been playing

and find out how to stop game-playing. Take care of my inner

child.

OK, OK, if you are screaming, "NO REBELLIOUS PROCRASTINATOR

IS GOING TO DO ALL THIS WORK!" You are right. But you are missing

the point. This is simply illustrating how a procrastinator might

consider using many self-help methods. In reality, a procrastinator will

probably think of a few of these useful steps he/she could take

(especially if he/she reads this list and about procrastination as well as

motivation in chapter 4). Then, if he/she is ready to change, he/she

will decide to try a couple of the methods.

Deciding on your treatment plan: Make it practical and doable!

In keeping with all the research about good decision-making, I

have emphasized over and over that there are a large number of

possible sub-problems within each part of the overall problem--and,

therefore, a large number of possible self-help approaches to each

part, depending on your unique situation. IT IS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE

TO KNOW MANY SELF-HELP METHODS. BUT, KEEP YOUR PLANS

SIMPLE! USE ONLY A FEW SELF-HELP METHODS. This seems

contradictory, but it isn't. To make a good decision, you need to

consider many options. But, your actual self-improvement plan must

be doable.

In most of your problem situations, there will not be clear-cut

problems in every one of the five parts. In most instances, only two or

three parts of the problem will need to be changed. Concentrate on

what seems to be the crucial parts of your problem. For example,

suppose that you were John/Jane. You would certainly have to first

self-confront and decide you were heading the wrong direction if you

really want to be successful and respected. Then maybe (a)

establishing a To-Be-Done List and (b) a daily schedule with (c)

rewards, plus (d) a diary focusing on how you excuse your

procrastination and blame others for your problems are all the

methods you would need (as your first try). If these methods don't

work, there are lots of other methods to try.

Likewise, suppose you have frequent headaches for which your

physician cannot find a physical cause. Your self-help may concentrate

on only three parts: part 1, (behavior) observing the circumstances

that precede a headache to gain understanding of the causes, part 2,

(emotions) learning to relax to counteract the stress, and part 5,

(unconscious factors) using meditation or focusing (see chapters 12

and 15) to become aware of the repressed emotions that might cause

a headache. If repressed emotions are found, then they can be dealt

with directly. In brief, keep your initial plans very basic and straight-

forward.

Become a connoisseur of self-help methods; collect them, modify

them, invent them. READ other books related to your problem. TALK

to people who have solved the problem themselves, to counselors, to

friends, etc. Consider tentatively several methods to change each part

of your problem; don't just automatically select a method just because

you have heard of it. Don't just use the same method over and over

again, there may be better ways of changing. Also, use methods that

will not only solve the immediate problem but will also help you cope

with life in the future, e.g. decision-making skills, build self-esteem,

etc. Obviously, you can't learn everything you need to know in just a

few days, so for your current self-help project select the best two or

three methods you have found for changing two or three parts of your

problem. Then get on with it.

Unjustified emotional reactions--positive and negative--to

certain self-help methods

As you read and think about possible solutions to your problems,

you will have to rely on research findings or clinical opinions and/or

your subjective reaction to each self-help method. Often the methods

you believe will work best actually do, probably because you have

positive expectations. Trust your judgment (until the results come in).

As you get more and more experienced with self-help, your reactions

to certain methods will change, depending on how well they have

worked for you in the past. An experienced self-helper will adapt old

methods and adopt new methods.

You are likely to find, however, that from the very beginning you

have positive and negative reactions to certain methods which are not

based on real experience. For instance, some people think (without

trying it) that it is childish or overly mechanistic to reward their own

desirable behavior, feeling they should just carry out the behavior

because it is reasonable or right or satisfying, not because it is

followed by a silly little piece of candy. Other self-helpers are just the

opposite and prefer to concentrate almost entirely on rewarding

desired behaviors, feeling (without trying it) that speculation about

unconscious motives is, at best, a waste of time or, at worst, foolish

and destructive nonsense. Some people feel that they should just

naturally be good listeners, good empathizers, good conversationalists,

good lovers, etc. without having to learn any new social skills. Others

are insatiable social skills training "groupies." Still others are afraid of

groups--or think they can't learn anything from peers; only

professionals could tell them anything. Many people believe that a

complete, logical, compelling and moral philosophy of life should

magically form inside their minds without their having to study various

philosophies or debate moral dilemmas at length. Others are

constantly pondering the meaning of life; some find meaning, others

don't.

Still other self-helpers believe, like Freud, that unconscious factors

are the important determiners of what happens in our lives, so looking

for "games people play," for unconscious defense mechanisms, for old

emotional garbage, for sinister motives, or for "scripts" from early

childhood are the only parts of psychology that interest them. Often

these people spend all their time searching for their unconscious

dynamics and never bother to change.

What are my points? Recognize your biases. These emotional

reactions strongly influence the effectiveness you will have with

specific methods. So, use your "beliefs" in certain methods to your

advantage. In the long run, however, try to guard against having

unfounded biases or hopes; try all kinds of methods and fairly evaluate

them all. I have noticed that psychologists who have a negative

attitude towards some technique, such as projective tests, hypnosis,

NLP, dream analysis, etc., have more often never studied or used the

technique, rather than have used the technique and found it to be

ineffective. The world is filled with skeptics and naysayers. Try to be

open-minded and learn for yourself. Be sure your negative views of

certain self-help methods are based on facts, good research, or your

own experience; avoid having opinions based on comments from

someone else who is also inexperienced.

Avoid striving for the perfect plan! DO SOMETHING!

Don't spend too much time planning how to change. It can be an

excuse for doing nothing. Make decisions about goals and methods,

then get on with it! Again and again in this book I will tell you to DO

SOMETHING, meaning you need to take action. Often just simple acts

will produce the desired changes. There is a story about Milton

Erickson, an unusually clever and insightful therapist, being asked to

make a house call on a reclusive woman who never spoke to anyone

and seldom left her house. Dr. Erickson spent less than an hour with

the lady and found out she was depressed, felt unneeded and lonely,

and was so shy she arrived at church late and left early so she

wouldn't have to interact with anyone. He observed she had several

African violets in her modest home. So, as he left, he gave her this

prescription: "start growing more flowers, ask the priest to notify you

of every birth, wedding, and death in the parish, and send a flower on

every occasion." She did... and it changed her life. Many years later,

Dr. Erickson read a newspaper account of several hundred people

attending the funeral of the "African Violet Lady." It wasn't a complex,

deeply psychological plan. It was a great plan only because she was

willing to DO SOMETHING!

Step 6:

Learn the Specific Steps in Each Self-Help Method

Learn the details of carrying out the self-help methods

selected for your treatment plan, and try out your

treatment plan, i.e., DO SOMETHING!

The treatment plans, as discussed in the last step, merely identify

the possible self-help methods in general terms. To save words, many

of the methods are just described by title or brief label, e.g.

"confront," "schedule," "reward," "desensitize," "SQRRR," "decision-

making," "clarify values," "build self-esteem," "challenge your

irrational ideas...or self-cons," "keep a journal," "recognize put-down

games," etc. It is very unlikely--unless you are very well read--that

you know how to carry out these methods expertly. Indeed, you

probably don't have any idea what some of the labels mean. Don't

worry, chapters 11 to 15 will tell you exactly how to use each method.

For examples, the two people above (the shy guy and the

procrastinator) can find out how to apply certain methods (including

some that may not be used) by reading in these chapters:

Self-Help

Method

(For shyness)

Described in

Chapter

Self-Help

Method

(For

procrastination)

Described in

Chapter

contracting for a

reward

Chapter 11

clarify values and

meaning

of life

Chapter 3

self-praise

Chapter 11

to-be-done list

and scheduling

Chapter 13

relaxation

Chapter 12

self-reinforcement

& self-praise

Chapter 11

desensitization

Chapter 12

SQRRR reading

method

Chapter 13

role-playing

Chapter 13

improve decision

making; making

career choices

Chapter 13

building self-

esteem

Chapter 14

increase

motivation

Chs 4 & 14

challenging

irrational ideas

Chapter 14

increased

awareness & diary

Chs 4, 11 & 15

uncovering

sources of fears

Chapter 15

revise life script

and games

Chs 9 & 15

Obviously, step 6 is addressing the "nuts and bolts" of self-help.

You can't be a competent self-controller without knowing how to use

several self-control methods (you, of course, already know some).

Many of the self-help methods are fairly complicated for a beginner.

Not that they will be hard to learn (if you read carefully), but you can't

just "fly by the seat of your pants" either. You will need very clear and

detailed directions. Chapters 11 to 15 give step-by-step instructions. I

have tried hard to draw on the best books, the best research, and the

experience of the best therapists or self-helpers. This may result in my

telling you more than you want to know. That's OK, just read the steps

in bold print if that is all you need to know. These how-to-use

chapters also spell out the common problems encountered with each

method (by my students, by me, or by clients), the estimated time

needed to use the method, the overall research findings, the potential

dangers, and the precautions you should take with the method. This is

useful information. Some of these self-help methods may require

considerable practice before you can use them effectively. Others are

easy and ready-to-use.

Try out your plan; Attack the problem with vigor; Give your

plan a fair trial

Launch into a self-help project with as much zeal and optimism as

possible, but allow each self-change method enough time to have a

chance to work. Be realistic, don't expect miracles. For instance,

suppose you have been self-critical and have uttered to yourself 25

negative comments per day (1 or 2 per hour) for 10 years. That's a

total of 91,250 self-putdowns. A few positive, private comments forced

out of you by a skeptical, half-hearted self-help project aren't going to

wipe away a ten-year-old bad self-concept. What will? No one knows,

but perhaps 25 positive, thoughtful, genuinely felt self-appraisals

expressed every day for 100 days would be a good start. Then, add on

two or three successful self-improvement projects, and you will see

some genuine changes in your feelings about yourself and your future.

Even when you have a self-help plan and know how to use the

self-change methods you have selected to use, there is still the

problem of remembering to do the specific things you need to do. This

is not an unimportant or an easy part of the process. Often, self-

helpers are trying to stop a well established habit which can occur

almost without your awareness. Or, you are trying to respond in a new

way to a common situation you have dealt with automatically (or

emotionally), e.g. you may want to find ways to compliment your son

rather than yelling at him when he wastes time or is careless. It is not

easy to remember to make these changes. You have to control your

thoughts to improve your actions.

There is an area of experimental research that deals with

"prospective remembering," i.e. the ability to remember to do

previously formed intentions (like New Year's resolutions!). Much more

practical research needs to be done but here are some of the tentative

conclusions (Arbuthnott & Arbuthnott, 1999). Of course, it is great if

you are an organized person who keeps a daily appointment book and

schedules specific self-help actions at specific times and places during

the day. But, some of us aren't that organized; besides, many desired

behaviors just can't be scheduled in advance because you want these

responses to occur in unexpected situations, such as when you get a

compliment, when someone is inattentive to you or pushy, when your

boss or spouse is critical, when you are tempted to have a candy bar,

and so on. What can you do to remember in those situations?

It has been shown that daily mental rehearsal, perhaps as you are

brushing your teeth or putting on make up, of what you want to do

when specific circumstances arise is very helpful. Also, the kind of cue

we select to signal to ourselves that the situation is right for a desired,

planned reaction is important; good cues include a meaningful, maybe

emotional, event or situation that is specific and easy to notice or

unusual (to catch your attention). Example: when someone mentions

having a problem that can be your cue to give an empathy response.

As another example, Arbuthnott & Arbuthnott (1999) described a way

to make the time-to-act cue more distinctive and effective: a man

wanted to use thought-stopping and relaxing self-instructions to

reduce his fear in several situations. They asked their patient to

imagine being frightened by a wild animal (he chose a dragon)

whenever he felt afraid, then he learned to associate the image of a

dragon with these relaxation techniques. This helped him remember

what to do when he got anxious. Self-control often requires

remembering many things to do, both to do in action and in your

mind, so you may need to learn some methods to boost your memory.

There is an old military saying: "A poor plan well executed is better

than a good plan poorly executed." Once you have developed your

general plan, it is important to carry out a plan that you consider

important with vigor. Learn to use the selected self-help methods,

then remember to apply the methods. Make your self-help efforts part

of your daily schedule. Remember, as discussed in step 2, to record

your efforts to change! Your self-change actions need to be compared

to your subsequent level of adjustment--are your efforts producing

results? Try to get "high" about making major self-improvements. Get

determined! Optimism and enthusiasm help. Reward and value your

efforts highly.

Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire.

-Reggie Leach

Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has

genius, power, and magic in it.

-W. H. Murray, The Scottish Himalayan Expedition

Prepare for possible risks

If the description of the method in chapters 11-15

suggests any risk or if you feel that the treatment might be

stressful for you, for instance if it involves strong feelings,

upsetting memories, emotional confrontation with others, etc.,

make preparations in advance for possible undesirable reactions.

This might include having a friend stay with you, consulting with an

experienced person, or arranging to have someone to call, such as

a crisis phone service, if that is needed. The best "back up" service,

however, is not a net to catch you as you fall, but knowledgeable

information and expert advice in advance to avoid falling.

Step 7:

Measure and Plot Your Progress

Continue assessing your progress

Step 2 gets you started measuring and plotting the effects of your

self-help efforts. This step suggests you keep up the record keeping,

so you can decide if you are making satisfactory progress, and

determine what is causing the changes. It is easy to neglect the daily

recording of your progress; it is routine and unexciting; it might even

be discouraging. Try to sustain the record keeping by building it into

your daily routine or as part of a diary, or perhaps doing it before

dinner or at bedtime, and rewarding it. Measurement is not absolutely

necessary but it is helpful. It is absolutely necessary if you want to

truly do objective research.

Deciding if you are making progress

It may not be clear if your self-help efforts are working or not. First

of all, it may take some time to start getting results. Don't give up too

soon. Secondly, there may be some initial changes--getting better or

getting worse--that are temporary. Don't draw hasty conclusions,

these early changes may not last. Third, the change may be so gradual

or the results so spotty that it is hard to tell if you are making

progress, unless you measure. Don't rely entirely on your subjective

judgment; too often feeling successful is wishful thinking (Sorrentino &

Higgins, 1986).

Compare the results of your self-help efforts, if you have plotted

your progress on a graph, with the level you were at prior to starting

the project (called "baseline" data). If on 6 days out of 7 during a

typical week of self-helping, you are doing better than you did before,

you are probably (9 chances out of 10) making significant progress.

Pat yourself on the back. That's a crude method but it's ordinarily good

enough; see a statistics book for more sophisticated methods. Lastly,

some periodic review of each project may be necessary forever to be

sure you are maintaining your gains. For instance, over-eating tends

to recur, so dieting may be a lifetime endeavor. Check your weight

every week, and adjust your eating habits immediately if you gain a

pound or two. Waiting until the habit is out of control and you have

gained 5 pounds is a major problem.

Encourage others to check on your progress

Research is showing that "phone therapy," i.e. calling and checking

on someone's self-help progress, is beneficial. Calls have proven

helpful to people stopping smoking, wanting to exercise more, needing

to take medication as prescribed, etc. It is a matter of emphasizing the

importance of your treatment plan and your changing; it is a prompt

or reminder to carry out a new behavior; it is a way of saying "I care

about you."

Deciding what is causing the progress

A good self-helper learns what methods work for him or her. The

fact that you are successful the first time you try a particular method

does not prove the effectiveness of that method. The truth is that the

change may have occurred because you expected to get better,

because of some other event (e.g. talking to a friend), because the

problem was going away anyway, or because of many other reasons.

However, if a particular self-help method repeatedly and consistently

works for you, then it becomes increasingly convincing that the

method you are using, not some other event, is the cause of the

improvement. You might even want to stop your self-help efforts

(especially when changing behaviors and emotions) occasionally to see

if the improvement stops also. Even after "proving" a method works

for you, you still don't know if it is the most effective method available.

You must try out other ways.

Becoming your-own-researcher requires an inquiring, questioning

attitude, and a logical, systematic approach to discovering what

methods produce what results. If you faithfully record your daily self-

help efforts as well as the results in terms of how well you are

feeling/doing, there are amazingly rich and complex insights to be

gained from your data. Some excellent examples of the "daily process

approach" can be seen in recent studies (Tennen et al, 2000). For

instance, these researchers confirmed that the drinking of problem

drinkers could be predicted by their nervousness earlier that evening;

thus, confirming the "self-medication hypothesis." However, the

findings got complicated if they looked at more factors: moderate and

heavy drinkers drink less on stressful days if they had used active

coping strategies ("I did something to try to change the situation").

They drank more on stressful days in which they had used emotion-

focused strategies ("I let my feelings out today"). For most people in

this group, however, avoidant coping ("I tried to pay attention to other

things") during the day was not related to how much they consumed.

These conclusions can only be drawn if each application of the self-

help method(s) and the consequences are recorded.

In another study, Tennen and his colleagues divided patients

suffering pain (fibromyalgia) into three groups: recently depressed,

not depressed but depressed years ago, and never depressed. They

found a history of depression was associated with more pain, more

attention to the pain, more catastrophizing about the pain, and more

refraining from social, work, and personal activities when in pain. This

seems to confirm the "scar hypothesis"--that depression leaves scars

that interfere with coping. Interestingly, these researchers came to

believe that people often develop explanations of how-to-cope that

just don't fit with the actual observations of what worked. That's a

good argument for recording data and carefully analyzing it.

In a third study, the same researchers tested and confirmed the

"fallback hypothesis," namely, that emotion-oriented self-help

methods (venting of feelings) are less likely to be used unless action-

oriented strategies (trying to change things) are also being used. Only

by recording both self-change actions and the outcome of those

strategies can we truly understand self-help. Good research involves

thinking in a sensible and careful ways, careful and frequent

observations, and the use of statistics to help us (as well as

researchers) draw valid conclusions. The end product--useful

knowledge--is vitally important. You can do research.

Step 8:

Revise the Treatment Plan as Needed;

Deal with Resistance; Find a Therapist

If your self-help project doesn't produce the desired results in a

reasonable length of time, figure out what is wrong. Perhaps the

method needs to be used in a different way, e.g. a behavioral contract

may be demanding too rapid change, if so, reward changes in smaller,

easier steps. Or, perhaps another method would work better, there are

several to choose from in the same or different parts of the problem.

Or, perhaps you have lost your motivation or the "faith" you need in

yourself to change. Or, perhaps you are resisting change, there may

be subtle pay offs for your unwanted behavior or emotions. Several

chapters discuss the excuses we often give ourselves for not changing.

Seek professional help

If you are still unsuccessful after a couple of revisions of your

treatment plan, seek help from a friend, teacher, school counselor, or

mental health professional. Clinical and Counseling Ph.D. Psychologists

are the best trained; Counselors, School Psychologists, and Social

Workers with a M.A. are adequately trained and could probably be

helpful with self-help; some ministers are trained as counselors but

many are not; the family doctor is ordinarily not any more familiar

with self-help than you are. Do not be embarrassed that your self-help

has, thus far, failed. Instead, be proud of making an effort, including

consulting with them for help with changing.

Why don't we seek help? About 20% of teenagers appear to have

problems, but few seek professional help. Kuhl, Jarkon-Horlick &

Morrissey (1997) found several barriers: many teens believe that their

parents and friends are sufficient help; "Oh, I can handle it" or "it will

work out OK" are other thoughts that block seeking help; also "I don't

have time," "I don't want others to know," "people will think I'm

crazy," "it will cost too much," and "the doctor will tell my parents and

my school" are barriers to getting the help they need. Usually health

insurance will cover the costs. The therapist will explain to you the

confidentiality guaranteed by law.

How to Find a Therapist

How to find psychological help depends on many things: the nature

and severity of your problem, where you live, how many and what

kind of therapists are nearby, whether you are covered by insurance or

not, who is recommended by your Primary Care Doctor, Insurance Co.

or HMO, your financial situation, your past experience with therapists,

etc. A detailed discussion about the nature of therapy and how to

select a therapist is given by Dr. Bennett Pologe at About

Psychotherapy (http://aboutpsychotherapy.com/). A very different

view of "How to Choose a Competent Counselor" is given by Martha

Ainsworth at Metanoia (http://www.metanoia.org/). It would be good

to read both. There is also a book that gives advice about selecting the

right therapist for you (Finney, 1995).

(Note: I apologize for my focus being on finding a therapist in the

US. If any of you will send me information about how-to-find a

therapist in other countries, I will include it here.)

As a general rule, if your psychological treatment will be paid for

by insurance or if money is no problem, go see an experienced,

highly recommended therapist in private practice. These therapists,

usually Ph.D. clinical psychologists or very experienced registered

Social Workers, are commonly listed in the Yellow Pages, but so are

counselors with questionable qualifications. Thus, it is important to get

recommendations from people who know the available practitioners--a

School Counselor or Psychologist, a therapist at your Community

Mental Health Center, an EAP counselor at work, or the psychiatrist

who is prescribing your psych medications. These people's

recommendations are more likely to be on target if they know a little

about the nature of your problems. Sometimes, Primary Care

Physicians, Ministers, and friends or relatives who have been in

therapy know something about local therapists but often they do not.

(A therapist who is seeing or has seen a relative or a close friend is

usually not a good choice for you.)

If you are "on your own" looking for a therapist in private practice,

there are a couple of ways to go. One is to use the National Register

of Psychologists (http://www.nationalregister.com/), which does a

good job of checking each practitioner's credentials. The site is

searchable so you can find psychologists by state and by types of

problems treated. Another approach is to find the Psychological

Association Web site in your state using a search engine or by going to

the New York Psychological Association (http://www.nyspa.org/) site,

which has links to most other states. Many states provide a phone

number to call for a free referral service based on the problem and the

specialization of the therapist (all licensed).

There are many places on the Internet where you can get

psychotherapy entirely online. I have three personal opinions about

that: (1) if I had a choice of seeing a therapist face to face vs. writing

to him/her by email or in a chat room, I believe I'd benefit more from

the face to face experience, (2) while there are excellent therapists

available both face to face and online, it would by my guess that there

is a higher percentage of inexperienced, poorly trained, and

unqualified practitioners online than in offices, and (3) since most

HMOs and Insurance Companies do not, yet, pay for online

professional services, the expense to you is likely to be higher than

your co-pay for face to face therapy covered by insurance. Yet, for

some people there are important advantages to having their therapist

online. Here are a few fairly large sites which seem to select their

therapists pretty carefully: HelpHorizons.com

(http://www.helphorizons.com/), Metanoia

(http://www.metanoia.org/) (this offers a free checking of credentials

and a listing of online providers), Online Clinics.com

(

http://www.onlineclinics.com/), and others. Be aware that there are

hundreds of therapists who have their own Web sites and offer therapy

and advice--find them through your search engine and check their

credentials yourself.

There are also a few Web sites that simply help you find a therapist

(of course, the therapist usually pays for this locating service): 1-

800 -THERAPIST(http://www.1-800-therapist.com/) (this site provides

personal assistance in matching you with a therapist and also offers

some good advice about how to handle a person who is reluctant to

seek therapy), Who's Who in Mental Health (http://wwmhw.com/),

MentalHelp.net (http://mentalhelp.net/ (under Services, click Find a

Therapist or Find an online Therapist), Find-a-Psychologist.com

(http://www.find-a-psychologist.com/), 4Therapy.com

(http://www.4therapy.com/), and others. After finding a therapist, you

usually work out arrangements for treatment directly with the

therapist.

If you don't have insurance/HMO coverage or other means of

fully paying for therapy, your best bet is likely to be your Community

Mental Health Center. Their charges will usually be based on your

ability to pay. Get their number from the phone book. You can also

find the location and phone number of your MH Center by going to

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration

(http://www.samhsa.gov/) site. Then click on "Looking for Help," and

you will get to a Directory of Service Providers and to Referral Help

lines (try that). Then click on CMHS Mental Health Directory or on

Mental Health Consumer Resources where you will find KEN's state by

state listing. Eventually, you will get to your state and your local MH

Center. In general, you will find over-worked MA-level practitioners--

Social Workers and Psychologists--in state funded Mental Health

Centers. Most of these helpers know what they are doing, however, so

don't be bothered that they are not "doctors."

If you live near a major university or hospital with a large

psychiatric service, there will be psychotherapists-in-training. They are

usually well supervised, so as a patient you get the benefit of two

therapists. And the cost is minimal. Likewise, in a very large

metropolitan area, like New York City, Chicago, Boston, Atlanta, LA,

San Francisco and so on, there are many specialized treatment

centers, e.g. for phobias, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders, Borderline

Personality, Bipolar, addictions, headaches, etc., which always have

interns and residents who need patients. Likewise, there are

advanced training institutes, such as Psychoanalysis, Adler,

Gestalt, and many others. Ask any of these institutions for a low-cost

but competent therapist specializing in your kind of problem.

It is a good idea to carefully investigate your therapist before or

immediately after starting to see him/her. The degrees and state

licenses should ordinarily be hanging on the wall. If they aren't on the

wall, ask where and when the therapist graduated and got licensed. Be

sure to get his/her complete name and perhaps even the license

number, then you can call the state licensing office and confirm their

license (note that my biography on the title page of this book makes it

easy to confirm my credentials). Ask how much experience they have

had treating people with your problem. If they are in training or just

starting practice, ask how much supervision or consultation they will

be getting as you work together. If anything seems amiss or out of

line, bring it up for discussion with them (don't pussyfoot around, YOU

are the boss here; your therapist works for you). If you remain

doubtful about the therapist's experience, training, or ability to help

you, seek another professional's advice or just try another therapist.

Select your therapist carefully, just like you would a heart surgeon.

How do you know therapy is going well? Hard question. First,

sometimes it is obvious from the start that the chemistry just isn't

good. Try someone else. Sometimes, it takes a while to know how well

things are going to click. Good working relationships are a function of

both personalities, the skills, warmth, and techniques of the therapist,

the degree these two people just plain need and like each other, the

amount of trust and openness the patient can develop in this situation,

and so on. If the relationship lacks trust and warmth or if the patient

has little faith in being helped after 3 or 4 hours, it would be wise to

discuss these things bluntly so that improvements can be made or the

patient referred to another therapist. If problems do not arise until

after 6 to 8 sessions or more, a concerted effort should be made to

resolve the barriers--too much has been invested at that point to just

walk away without trying to fix it. Like marriage, this relationship

occasionally needs to be fixed. Oh, by the way, therapy sometimes

gets to the point where it just continues on and on without many

changes occurring. They may have become comfortable or dependent

on each other; the patient may simply believe she/he "should" be in

therapy. When progress stops...when all the benefits have been

gained...therapy should stop.

Time is a good healer

It is not uncommon for interest in changing to wane after a few

weeks. You may discover that the change you wanted doesn't seem

important any longer, that the benefits are not worth the trouble, or

that the new you isn't exactly what you expected. So, certain self-help

projects may just fade away. This is fine so long as you can honestly

assure yourself that you aren't running away from an important,

upsetting problem.

Sometimes it is best to simply leave the problem alone for awhile,

if the problem is tolerable. Most problems improve with time. Indeed,

some problems seem to get stronger as you struggle in vain to get rid

of them; then, without attention, the problem may gradually

disappear. Consider putting the persistent but mild problem completely

aside for six months, then re-think the problem and what to do about

it. In the meantime, work on other improvements.

Step 9:

Try to Insure that the Desired Behavior Continues

This is a small step, but it requires some conscious effort to insure

that the newly gained behavior is occasionally rewarded, preferably in

some naturally occurring way. Examples: the reluctant student who

needs to reward himself for studying will, hopefully, soon receive

intrinsic satisfaction from studying itself, such as intellectual

stimulation, new interesting conversations, pride in his/her classroom

and test performance, etc. Or, the person, who might at first be so

uncomfortable socializing that rewards, like a good book or a night of

TV, are necessary to overcome the shyness, should eventually find

socializing sufficiently satisfying to maintain itself.

Step 7 mentions the importance of occasionally checking for

backsliding. Like "phone therapy," another approach is to team up with

a buddy who faithfully checks on your progress, is tolerant of

backsliding, but urges you to re-attack the problem if it gains ground

on you. Losing some valued characteristic you have gained through

hard self-help efforts should be a loud warning signal. It tells you to

immediately plug the dike. Mend the damage soon or face a major

repair job. Chapter 4 discusses relapse prevention in detail; you have

to guard against the return of bad habits. Support from others is

important when we start to weaken. Keeping our failures to ourselves

reduces our motivation.

Maintaining your gains or regaining them involves the same kind of

self-help methods that enabled you to make the gains in the first

place. So, this book should be useful here too. Also, a book by Todd

Davison (1998), a psychoanalyst who believes that back-sliding after

therapy is inevitable unless one continues self-analysis, could be useful

in this maintenance step. He emphasizes the use of meditation,

journaling, and the importance of forgiveness.

Don't forget to celebrate your continued success (sometimes success is just

holding your own).

Step 10:

Learn from Each Self-Help Experiment; Use Your Knowledge

It is hoped that you will keep this book handy, using it frequently

for ideas concerning your problem-of-the-moment. With the passage

of time, as the result of your self-experimentation--trying out and

evaluating self-help methods--you will acquire a great deal of unique

knowledge about yourself and self-improvement methods. Make notes

about your preferred methods, what problems were changed

successfully, what methods failed, the techniques that were the most

fun, what parts of your problems seem to be the most troublesome,

what works with your spouse, the children, the boss, a colleague, etc.

A diary emphasizing "growth experiences" could be both helpful and a

treasure in later years.

As you gain confidence in self-help, you will depend less on advice

from friends, experts, and books, like this one, and become more self-

reliant. You will find yourself saying, "I needed help before, but now I

can do it myself" (Janis, 1983). That's great (as long as it is true).

Share your experiences and ideas with others. Find satisfaction in

helping others help themselves and in working together for your

mutual benefit. One of the most therapeutic things we can do is help

someone else.

The art of helping oneself, although as old as the human race, is

just beginning to be guided by scientific studies. It will take thousands

of researchers and tens of thousands of studies to find the better

approaches for specific problems, and there will continue to be

individual differences so that certain methods work better for some

than for others. As science makes its slow progress and shares its

findings, you will learn from those sources but remain your own expert

and main source of help, a self-helper relying on yourself as a

researcher and as the best storehouse of knowledge about yourself.

That is a big order. Hopefully, this book, plus the personal knowledge

you can add to the book, will combine together with a little help from

your friends to produce a different and better life for you. Good luck.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we lived in a world without unfair

limitations, so everyone had an equal opportunity to make the best

possible life for themselves? For that to happen, society and families

would have to change. School and work would have to change. And,

each of us would have to learn how to produce changes in ourselves

when the opportunities were in front of us. All these changes take

knowledge and work. You can start anytime, though; you always have

yourself to work on.

After reviewing this chapter, you are ready to go to any

"understanding the problem" chapter.

Bibliography

References cited in this chapter are listed in the

Bibliography (see link on the book title page). Please note that

references are on pages according to the first letter of the senior

author's last name (see alphabetical links at the bottom of the

main Bibliography page).